Humor-Try to keep it alive

1-Talented engineer

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, “WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!”

2- Microsoft landing
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.
At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: “Hey, where am I?”. The solitary office worker replies: “You’re in an airplane.”. The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport’s runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.
“Elementary,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees.”
3 Top 10 signs your company is going to downsize
1. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
2. Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an “Outplacement Coordinator”.
3. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
4. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
5. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
6. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
7. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local Taco Bell.
8. Employee discount days at the local “Army & Navy Surplus Store” are discontinued.
9. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String, pliers and 2 aspirin).
10. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all existing departments in the Company.

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Humor A Heathy Way to Lead Life

Air Force Recruiter
1The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.
The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

2 I have a friend who flew Lear Jets for the U.S. Air Force. He would occasionally be assigned to an air show where one of his tasks was answering questions about his plane. Someone would always point to the fuel tank and ask if it was a missile. His standard answer was, "I can neither confirm or deny the presence of nuclear weapons on this aircraft."

3 Alcohol
A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

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Laugh...Laugh.... and Laugh... and Be Happy

Agri-cows
How agri-corporations around the world would treat their cows.
NORTH AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
FRENCH: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
JAPANESE: You have two cows. You redesign them to 1/10 the size of ordinary cows, producing 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoons called Cow kimon and market them worldwide.
GERMAN: You have two cows, re-engineered so they'll live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
BRITISH: You have two cows. Both are mad.
RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42. You count them again and learn you have 12. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
SWISS: You have 5,000 cows. None belongs to you. You charge others for storing them.
HINDU: You have two cows. You worship them.
CHINESE: You have two cows and 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who questions the numbers.

Air Conditioning
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

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Humor mixed with irony of life....

1)Once a man went to the veterinary doctor and said,'Doctor I have come on vaction for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period.'Doctor says 'I think you should go to the Doctor opposite my clinic.See that board.' 'No Doctor, I hve come to you only.' 'But gentleman I am a veterinary Doctor.I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings.' 'I know doctor very well that is why I have come to you only.'I can not becouse you talk like me and think like me,which means you are a human being and not an animal.'Iknow I am human being but listen to my complaints first: I sleep like a dog thinking about my work load whole night,I get up in the morning like a horse,Go to office like a deer,I work all the day like donkey,I run around eleven months like a bull without any holiday,I wag my tail infront of all bosses,I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.'

Doctorasks'Are you a software engineer?'The man says'Yes!"

2) One day at a school in London a teacher said to the class of five year olds,'I 'll give 20 pound to a child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived?'An Irish boy said,'St.Patrick' 'That's not correct'saya teacher.Scottish boy says 'It was St.Andrew' 'No' says teacher.Finally a gujarat boy raised his hand and said"It was Jesus Christ!' The teacher said'That's absolutely right Jayant, come up here and I'll give you 20 pounds.' As the teacher was giving money she said 'You know Jayant,since you are Gujarati,I was surprised when you said 'Jesus Christ'Jayant replied'Yes In my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna...but Business is Business!'

3) I dreamt an Interview with God.'So you would like to interview me?'God asked.'If yo have time ' I said. God smiled 'My time is eternity what questions do you hve in mind for me?'

'What surprises you the most about human kind?' God answered'That they get bored with childhood thet they rush to grow up,and then long to be children again! That they lose thier health to make money,then lose their money to restore their health!Tht by thinking anxiously about future,they forget the present, such that they live in neither present nor in future.They live as if they would never die and die as though they had never lived.' I just woke up and opened my eyes.......

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Laughter-Is the natural e!ssence of life to rejuvenate.Keep healthy keep laughing

Humor-The tonic of the day I have brought.If you have read them already smile a little ,if you are reading for the first time then have a hearty laugh!

1) Once a man hasn't been feeling well. So he goes to a doctor for a complete check up. Doctor checkes him up and comes out 'I am afraid I have some very bad news.' The Doctor says.'You are dying and you don't have much time left!''Oh,that's terrible! How much time is left?'Asks the patient. 'Ten' the doctor says sadly.'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten what... months,weeks,or days?'

The doctor interrupts 'Nine.'

2) A man in his forties bought a new BMW and was out in the interstate for a nice evening drive.The top was down.The breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.As the needle jumped up to 80 mph He suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.'There is no way they can catch a BMW.He thought himself and opened her up.The needle hit 90.... 100.Then the reality of situation hit him.'Wht the heck am I doing?'He thought and pulled over.

The cop came upto him,took his license without a word. and examined it and a car.'It has been a long day.This is the end of my shift.And it's Friday the 13th.I don't feel like more paper work.So if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go.' The guy thinks for a second and says'Last week my wife ran off with a cop.I was afraid you were trying to give her back.''Have a nice weekend.'Said the officer.

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Laughter-the long lasting medicine!

Laughter is the best gift God has given to human beings! Have you ever seen animals laughing? Don't neglect this instinct,nourish it with love and care. Hence I am presenting in front of you few jokes
Please make a point to smile at least!
1A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

2 "An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

3 There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"

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Age no bar for Romance!

1Widow and a widower were dating.After some time,the widower proposed widow,and she said"Yes." Then widower went home happily. Next morning he felt,'I must ask her whether she said yes or no!,I feel she looked at me very funny." So he called her up in the morning and told 'I don't remember your answer....what was it? yes or no?" The answer from that came" Oh, was it you ? I remember having said you but i did not remember who it was!"

2Little Johny's class went on a field trip to a local police station,where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board.There were ten pictures of hard core criminals. One of the kiddies asked whether that was really a criminal's photo? He said 'Yes'. 'The detectives badly want to capture him.'
Little Johny asked 'Why didn't you keep him when you took picture of him?'

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